Oh Mama

Oh Mama.

They say, they can’t control her,
I say, let her anger have its voice.

They say, she cannot be contained,
I say,
Her mind is a cage.
Let her spirit be free.

They say, she won’t fit in, here.
I say,
Why need she pretend anymore?

They say, she will not eat,
I say,
She hungers for so much more than food.

They say, she will not sleep,
I say,
Let her rest upon your shoulder.

They say, she cries all day,
I say,
Tears are transformative.

My heart feels broken.

They say, her singing is like Mae West;
She says, “Do not compare me. I am myself.”

So proud of you, Mama.

I gaze into her eyes, and say,
I love you,
She says, You are a sweet, sweet girl, Mandy.

Oh, Mama.

Mandy Edwards, (c) 2021

Lonely Bay

Lonely Bay, we meet again.
Two years we’ve been apart.
Back then I gazed upon your shores,
With sadness in my heart.

I wondered then, “Why lonely?”
Alone perhaps, that’s true,
But lonely, nay, that could not be,
‘Twas me just feeling blue.

That day your beach lay empty,
No footprints to be seen,
And something deep inside of me,
Recognised this scene.

Perhaps your truth and beauty,
Laid bare for all to see,
Permitted me to enter,
The lonely bay in me.

Lonely Bay, I thank you,
For reminding me once more,
Of that sacred invitation
To rest, reflect, explore:

The depths of my emotions,
The fears that oft arise,
And gently let them spill,
Into the sea’s outgoing tide.

Mandy Edwards (c) 2020

Return to Piha

Borrowed glasses

I peer at you through borrowed glasses.
Inexplicably, I had left mine behind.

does not bring you closer;

Rather, you are blurred, Out of focus; a bit like Piha Beach, obscured by mist, on my arrival.

I blink rapidly. Suddenly feel exhausted. Bone weary.
I don’t know what’s
happening to me.

I smile mutely.
Nodding in agreement;
So unsure how to add to the conversation.

I try to hide my shyness;
my self-doubt. I feel lost.

But you notice me; and
Like a mother hen gathering her chick,

Stretch out your wing,
And grace me with your full attention.

Now I can become real.

You ask me gently why I am here.
What I came for. What do I want?

The enormity of these questions
Silences me.
And the earth spins wildly in my heart
As I search for the answer. LOVE.

I think I’m here for love.

I peer through borrowed glasses.
Let the world be blurred
and out of focus.
So, I can clearly see, my Self.

Mandy Edwards © 2019


“What would you think,” Mum asked one day,
“If you and I just went away?”
“Not with the boys or Dad,” she said.
Just you and me. What do you say?

I was only a child, knew not of despair
Nor loss of self, or disabling fear.
What should I think? What should I feel?
In the end I said nothing. I couldn’t go there.

Yet I’ve never forgotten that unspoken plea.
The tears in her eyes; her urge to be free.
And the thing I remember most back then?
How pleased I felt that she still wanted me.

Mandy Edwards (c) 2015


(Piha Women’s Retreat)

We stagger across the beach
Like giggling school girls. Clad
In nightgowns. Feet bared.
Black sands between our toes;
Heavy with fatigue yet light
As champagne flutes; our pain
Released! The sea sweeps in
from our left. To the right, a
More-pork laments its name.
Calling us home. Wild Women.
Un-tethered. Unleashed. Quite.
Quite Unhinged. Returned to
Ourselves. At last.

Mandy Edwards (c) 2018

Childhood memories

What did I see, Mummy?
What did I hear?
I’ve lost my voice, Mummy,
I’m frozen by fear.

You said I was loved, Mummy,
Yet I can’t feel a thing,
No memory to hold on to,
No love song to sing.

I need to grow up, Mummy,
Stop shielding my eyes.
What pain have I witnessed?
Oh, Mum, please don’t cry.

Whatever has happened,
Is a thing of the past,
And the love we share now,
Mummy, we’ll never out last.

Mandy Edwards (c) 2018

Spirit date.

I went on a date with spirit,
Beneath a starry sky,
As she led me through the darkness,
Her beauty rent me shy.
Gilded by the crescent moon,
Dressed in a glittering gown,
She filled my heart with wonder,
Her breath the merest sound.
I heard her tinkling laughter,
As she slipped into the tide,
And though I lost her in the shadows,
She left her fragrance deep inside.

Mandy Edwards (c) 2018

the man of her dreams

He came to her in her dreams.  At first a gentle zephyr … a little breath of wind tugging at her unconscious mind. Then he took shape; solid and real.  A great sasquatch of a man, who gathered her up in his arms, and filled her with love and hope.  “Delicious Angel,” he breathed and she unfurled like a delicate flower and laid her head upon his beating heart.  She felt his love fuse into her body and communicate with her soul. Safe and warm she breathed in his essence; sourced from the earth itself; natural and wild, sprinkled with beauty from every creature that had ever lived.  Her eyes filled with joyful tears, and as they peppered her cheeks, he gently brushed them away. “Cry, little one,” he murmured, ‘cry for the joy of life and the wonder of what is yet to come. Do not despair, fill yourself with hope and love and nothing else will matter.”

She looked at him with sadness in her eyes. “I wish I’d met you long ago. I could feel that something was missing, but I didn’t know what it was.  So I made my choice, believing it would fill that emptiness inside of me.  And it did for a while.  But I lost all sense of myself.  Put aside my dreams. And now I am committed to a lifetime of responsibility.  Oh, sasquatch! Truth and love surges through me, when I think of you and all that you stand for.  And I stretch and stretch until I feel I will burst, but I am trapped … I cannot be freed, until I have met my responsibilities on earth.”

“Then I shall wait for you delicious Angel … up there in the mountains you love so much.  Free your spirit now and then and soar with me over the peaks and delight in being free; and when you feel the pull of obligation, go back for a while and do what you feel is important.  But remember, I will always be with you; in your heart and soul, for we are connected. We have known each other in other times and places, long ago … and we will always recognise each other, wherever we find ourselves.”

And as quickly as he appeared, he vanished and she felt the sharp pang of loss like a knife cutting through to the soul.  She awoke, trembling, filled with joy and love, but overwhelmed with sadness.   She gathered her husband in her arms and pressed her head upon his chest.  Confused by her tears, he told her he loved her.  “You mustn’t cry,” he said, “everything is okay.”  And he snuggled into her and fell back to sleep.  But somehow she didn’t feel okay.

Deep in her soul, she felt something stirring. A burst of energy that forced her to twist and contort. Oh how she wished she could shed her skin and be free. Then she remembered the unconditional love of the man of her dreams, and a sudden calmness washed over her.  She closed her eyes once more, and drifted into a peaceful sleep.


a man who cried for me

That day,
When you broke down,

I held you in my arms,
by your pain.

I’d used up all my tears
Long since our ‘child’

Had r i p p e d away.

But you?

You’d been so calm.
So matter of fact.

I thought
you hadn’t cared.

But now I understood.

You’d saved your tears, And spilled them now.

For me.

Mandy Edwards (c) 2017